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trishlf
Newbie
Posts: 3
Registered: 02-23-2011 Location:
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posted on 02-23-2011 at 09:56 |
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Need Advice
I have been married to my husband for 4 years. We dated for 4 years before we got married. I was 24 when we met and he was 33, and just coming out of a divorce (with child) himself. We both loved to go out and have fun (probably too much fun) and so this was a common interest for us.
After a couple months of dating he stopped visiting his daughter. Though I would bring it up all the time and try to motivate him to see her, he wouldn't. He would blame his ex-wife for doing something to him. I decided to let it go, thinking that he would eventually see that he needed to see his daughter no matter what was going on with his ex. 8 years later and he has not seen her once.
I never wanted children, and he never did either. Now, I'm 33 and would like a family. We've talked about it in the past and I have posed the question to him, "what if I change my mind?" He would comment that it would be a "deal breaker". I have not told him yet about me wanting children, mostly because it hit me almost overnight that I wanted children.
When I met him he worked tow jobs as a bartender. Soon after I met him, he got let go from the one job, but was promoted as manager at the other place so it seemed fine. A year later he was let go from there. Long story short, he has had 3 more jobs since then (4 years) and keeps getting let go. I have been paying the majority of the bills over the past 4 years, and he has had no ambition to find a full time job. He currently works 20-30 hours per week.
I own our house, our car, and whenever we go out or need something, I pay. We need to buy a new car soon, and I know I will have to pay for that since his credit is terrible. Bad debt from previous marriage that he never paid and are now in judgments.
In addition, he is a heavy smoker and still continues to drink almost every night. When I was young, it didn't seem to bother me, but now it does.
Long story short, I am fed up. I have conveyed my feelings of his inadequacy for over a year. Nothing ever changed. I finally gave him an ultimatum 1 week ago. He must get a job, stop drinking, try to quit smoking and seek therapy. I gave him until April 15th to do so.
I am so angry at him for what he has done to me that I am starting to resent him. I love him as a person, as a friend, but he has sucked me dry of every emotion that I had towards him.
Am I wrong to want a divorce come April 15th even if he does do all the things in the ultimatum that I gave him? I feel like I have no more love, emotions, or soul to give him.
Please help!
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WhumOwens
Newbie
Posts: 4
Registered: 03-25-2011 Location:
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posted on 04-05-2011 at 19:43 |
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advice
Hello, I think you're right with your decision, It's your security that is important. you should ask for legal advice. also consider looking for information online, sites like laws about divorce[/url] is a very informative sites, its better you have knowledge about this specially in your situation, good luck and god bless!
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KyleMorrison
Newbie
Posts: 5
Registered: 07-08-2011 Location:
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posted on 07-09-2011 at 21:06 |
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My Advice
Hi There,
I do not want to go into who is wrong or right but after reading your post a few things jumped out at me.
"I have conveyed my feelings of his inadequacy for over a year"
While your description of him does make him sound like he has not got his act together, the way you phrase this makes me think that your attitude towards him might not be helping. It can be hard to talk about these things without bringign your emotions into it - but simply telling someoen they are not up to scratch is not motivating at all essepcially when it comes from someone you love.
"I finally gave him an ultimatum 1 week ago"
Ultimatiums are dangerous things. You have a relationship that is close to breaking point and instead of trying to nurture it, you are trying to force it to a place you want ti to be or else.
"I decided to let it go, thinking that he would eventually see that he needed to see his daughter no matter what was going on with his ex. 8 years later and he has not seen her once."
You did not act or ask. While it is not your place in some respects, it shows a pattern of not really communicating about these things with your husband.
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OK, I might have sounded very harsh there and I do apologise if you are offended as that is not my intention. He might be just as you say and you have been an amazing communicator but he does not care ... btu from your words it seems there is a level of emotional communication between you that is missing.
If you love him as a person I think you owe it to him to try to uncover what is really going on inside him.
Instead of asking HIM to go to therapy - perhaps you BOTH should go to a counsellor so you have a stake in the procedings rather than leaving him feel like he is isolated and unloved.
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Anto
Newbie
Posts: 3
Registered: 07-27-2011 Location:
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posted on 08-08-2011 at 09:13 |
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trishlf
Dear, you did make a good decision, stick with that !!!
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ShaneJimison
Junior Member
Posts: 15
Registered: 09-09-2011 Location:
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posted on 11-09-2011 at 01:41 |
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ask for legal advice immediately
Yes, you should ask for legal advice immediately by keeping it in mind that it is question about your safety as well. Moreover, you are right here by taking decision for divorce. It is your right also to live a safe life.
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